I have taken this week off from exercise in the hopes to actually have time to sort out my flat and get it ready to rent out. This means moving, packing, selling furniture and then once all of that is done (at this stage it pretty much is!) I then need to clean it all out.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a 'clean freak'. Cleaning was never a priority for me, my house may not have been tidy all the time, but I was happy with that as it was generally only me who was there. The thing that people don't know about me, is that when I am stressed out or really unhappy, I clean... and I mean clean!! My bestie Tory could tell you all about it from when we lived together. It has been my way of dealing with things really... I think if you did ask her though, she would tell you about the time that I went out and scrubbed the balcony... lol what can I say, it was dirty and I needed a little bit of 'cleaning-therapy'.
The thing is, that I know I am stressed out when I am looking forward to cleaning. When I want to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the slate flooring in the flat. When I want to wash all the walls down, and when I am looking forward to washing windows. I think that this has to do with wanting to be in control or something, as I generally can't tollerate anyone helping me to do the cleaning - I need to do it on my own. My boyfriend has never really seen me do this, and I have to say, that if it scared Tory, I can't imagine what he is going to think...
Anyway, all of these thoughts brings me back to the 12WBT. I know that as much as I try not to (and I have tried to focus on not doing this during the last 9 weeks) I am very much an all or nothing person. Meaning that I have to be doing it all - exercise, eating, mindset or I feel like doing nothing... or lately, I feel like I am not doing it right. I have mentioned before that I like processes. I like having a step by step plan, and I like sticking to that plan. I like checklists and I like ticking off tasks that I have completed. I enjoy completing a task well and I love the sense of accomplishment that comes with it...
This week, I don't have a sense of accomplishment - I haven't followed any of Mish's plans. I haven't eaten right (it hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been great), I haven't exercised and my mindset is out the window. Last night I wanted to binge... I didn't even care what on. It could have been fish and chips (or dim sims!), chocolate, ice cream, baked goods. I didn't care! Well, I didn't want to care, but deep down I knew that this kind of self sabotage wouldn't help me... so I didn't. This made me realise that while I haven't stuck to the plans, something must have stuck, because I still haven't had a major blow out or binge. I have wanted to. I have wanted to just not care and to just eat, but something has always pulled me back where I have decided against it at the last minute.
Yesterday was also weigh in day and combine the 600g gain with PMS and stress and you get one messed up girl who is crying in her boyfriend's arms by the end of the night. With so many things on my plate, I am finding it really hard to think about the 12WBT. I keep thinking that it's ok because once things are all sorted, that I will be straight back into it... but then there is this other little voice telling me that I should be able to work this program into my life as this is a forever deal, and I should just be able to make it work...
I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about going into part time work. The thought that some day soon I will be able to get through everything (work, uni, exercise, etc). I mentioned this on a uni forum the other day when discussing the prospect of taking on a subject over the summer, and one of the first replies I had back was a "well i have this, this and this in my life so if I can do it then you should too/I have more in my day - what are you complaining about?!" kind of posts. Why do people feel the need to do that!? I think I compare myself to others enough without someone else adding to it.
Anyway... I guess the point to all of this is that I am still here, but not so focussed... Will be trying to get back into it all as of next week - hopefully I will have the flat completely sorted by the end of the weekend :)
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