Where My Head Is At...

As requested (by Janie D :D lol) I thought I would pop up and write a bit of an update.  I had considered doing one both yesterday and today, but Janie's comment has spurred me on :)

I didn't realise it was going to be so long, sorry guys!  I think I just need to get all of these thoughts out of my head!! haha!

I am doing much better of the last couple of days.  I think that getting it all out there on Friday has really helped me - as well as seeing the number on the scales.

Since Friday I have been tracking my calorie intake on Calorie King and I have been making much better food choices.  Now that my will power has made an appearance, I have noticed less chocolate/sweet cravings, although they are still there. I was thinking about this today when I really wanted a snack, but other than trying to follow the 12WBT for Round 3, I honestly don't think that I have been even thinking about eating healthily for over a year now, at least not seriously. I came to this conclusion, as I couldn't remember what I used to eat as a snack.

As much I don't want to write this (because I know that B is reading :P lol), the truth is, I find it so much harder to lose weight when I am part of a couple... When I lost weight before I was single, so I only had to think about myself, and now it's not really that different, I can still eat how I choose, but it does seem to be s different mindset.  There is no way I blame B, because it's not his fault in any way, it's more that I don't think I expected my mindset to change so much.

Other than a change in relationship status, the other really big change for me was my routine.  When I first started to lose weight I was in a different job.  I had actually not long started it, but for the 4 years that I was there, I got into a routine with my eating/exercise habits that are now so completely different. As an example, I used to get up, have a coffee, get ready and head to work.  Once I was there, I used to get my breakfast (I basically took over the cupboards in the kitchen!) which usually involved cooking it, made myself another coffee and sat down at my desk to start my day. From there, my snacks and lunch were basically on a schedule as I knew when I was hungry and I had a set lunch break.  After work, my gym bag was all packed and I headed straight to the gym.  At this point in time, it was just me, 2 cats and no other committments - I didn't even have a social life!! (seriously! My friends were all busy with their own lives!) Looking back, the only stressful component back then was how crappy work was.

B and I have been talking a lot lately about how I struggle to accept my limitations.  I think that I have always pushed myself to 'be the best' or at least be able to identify myself as someone who can do well at everything that I try.  I really struggle with not being good at something (even though it is something new!!) and will either push on with it or drop it completely. I think that is is probably why I tend to disapear or withdraw when I am not coping, as I don't want others to think that I am weak... and the honest truth is - I think I am weak for not being able to do everything I want to do.

I am very much a perfectionist (as Janie asked in another comment), and this is such an annoying trait to have!  I don't know how to not be one!  I don't know how to be able to cope with more than one thing at a time (uni, eating right, exercising, life, etc) and trying to stresses me out so much more.  I have to admit that even with uni I am struggling to do more than one subject at a time (I am currently doing 3) because I feel like I can't give the subject the attention it deserves and I really don't want to fail because I can't remember what I am supposed to lol.

So, I also have a HUGE confession to make.  It is currently the start of Week 6 of the 12WBT and I haven't followed any of it... and I don't think I will... Don't get me wrong, I think that the program is great, I love what Mish has done and I love seeing people's results, but I find that for myself, I put too much pressure on myself with the program.  There is also the fact that there is a lot of the food that B and I aren't fans of. I think that if it was just myself in my old lifestyle, I could handle it, but with so much of my life in chaos at the moment (at least it feels that way) I honestly don't believe that I could cope with it.

Following on from this, I have a new plan, which continues on from my basic plan from Friday's post, and that is that I just want to get myself back to basics and back onto my own program.  I basically want to take myself back to basics so that I can find some new kind of routine (I really struggle to eat properly when I am at home) and find a way that B and I can make this work together.  As I have said before, I am lucky that B is so supportive, and will help me as much as he can.  So, my plan of action at this stage is as follows:

1. Find all of my ol' trusty healthy recipes and add them to my iPad app (so awesome!!  It puts together a shopping list for my meal plan for the week)
2. Start putting together a meal plan... and try to stick to it!! I am lucky in that if I plan it, B will cook it lol!
3. Start eating breakfast again... this is something I am surprised that I have stopped doing... in truth I think that I really miss having my scrambled eggs on an english muffin!  I tend to run late in the mornings and now that I don't cook at work, it was pretty much the first thing to go.
4. Start drinking more water.  I don't drink anywhere near as much as I should or what I used to.  My drink bottle used to sit on my desk at work... now I don't even really have a drink bottle... and I drink more coffee lol
5. Keep tracking my calories on Calorie King - I tend to slack off on this if I can't put the calories in correctly (such as eating out) because it won't be 'right' (there is that perfectionism again...)
6. At this point in time, exercise is not a priority, but I am hoping to find a way to build it back in... even if I only exercise a couple of times a week.  This might be at home or at the gym before work or uni when I start late.
7. Accept that I need to have time for myself.  Basically, this is giving me permission to knit.  It sounds strange, but I really need to knit as I find that without it I tend to get depressed and even more stressed out - seriously, just ask B - he has seen it first hand! haha!
8. Keep it simple.  Don't try to do more than I actually can, don't worry about what I 'should' be doing, and just eat right and the rest will come when it can... this sounds so simple, yet it's the hardest thing for me to follow...
9. When exercising, aim towards completing the C25K program.  I have actually registered to do the Mothers Day Classic Fun Run in April, so it would be nice to be able to honor this committment.
10. Find ways to de-stress, remember to ask for help and keep putting myself out there on this blog!  I keep forgetting how much writing it all down really helps!!

While I guess I don't really consider myself to be technically part of the 12WBT this round, I do hope that people do stick around and read my blog.  I just really need to do things my way for now and then when I am ready, I am hoping to use Mish's exercise plans to help me along.

So, from now on, I guess my blog will be reflecting this. As I said, I really hope you guys stick around, as the support that you have given me over the last few months has been amazing!!  I am sure that I wouldn't have been able to get my headspace to where it is now without you all checking in and reading.

The Blogger Challenge will, of course, continue.  The posts are all sitting there, ready to go and I will still be participating in it too as well as reading the 12WBT blogs and forum posts!!  I just love reading about how everyone is going and I love reading about all of the highs that come with it, and I hope that I can help you guys as much as you have all helped me!

So, I think that is my update on what I have been thinking about over the last couple of days.  And I will try to update more regularly, including weigh in posts, which I know that I have completely avoided this round!!

Oh and and how is this for a REWARD??  B and I were talking the other day about setting a reward, when I reach goal weight, we are going to go travelling - or at least start planning it a little more.  I think at this point in time it will be a cruise... so, I really need to get stuck into my action plan and get this happening!! lol!

MWAH! Love to you all! :D

Blogger Challenge Email Confusion

There seems to be a bit of confusion regarding the email system I set up initially.

This system was set up to send out ONE email for when the blogger challenge was set to start. This will be the only one as I don't want to bombard people with a weekly email letting them know that the challenge is out (it just seems too spam-like to me lol)

I have since set up an email notification system on my blog, however this will let you know about ALL the posts that I write, not simply the blogger challenge ones.

If you aren't interested in this option, then please keep in mind that the challenge question is released each Friday at 9am.

I hope this clears up some of the confusion :)

Blogger Challenge Answer: Week 5 - Health

So, what does being healthy mean to YOU? What is it that has made you start this journey into being a healthier you?

Well, at the moment, I have actually come down with a horrible head cold, so health is actually something I am thinking about a lot at the moment.

For me, I can feel the difference in my body from when I am eating healthier and exercising compared to when I am not.  I know that all of the nourishing food that I am feeding myself is helping to build up an excellent immune system and it is all working towards helping me keep nasty bugs away.

The only way I can really explain this feeling, is that I just feel so much more "vibrant", I actually feel as though I am glowing. I don't think I really am, I think it also comes from a place where I am feeling great about myself; I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and all of the extra energy really makes me feel so alive!

Because I can always feel the difference between feeling vibrant and alive, compared to feeling down and have no energy, I think that my journey back into the world of weightloss has stemmed from that. I loved being able to finish a class at the gym and just feeling so pumped about myself and that I knew that while I felt like crap during the class, I would just feel so energised later.

I miss that feeling.

So, here is to becoming a healthier version of me, with all of the perks and benefits of eating right and exercising!!

The 7 Words I Never Thought I Would Say...

I am at my heaviest weight... ever!!

That's right... my weight has gone up... and up... and up... I weighed myself this morning and discovered that the last few weeks of comfort eating, not facing my fears and hiding from the world has done exactly what I was afraid of... I am back at the beginning... in fact, I have gone even further back!

I have to admit that I have been avoiding my blog.  I didn't want to be held accountable, and the very real truth is, I don't even want to tell you all this.  I am embarrassed.  I am disapointed in myself. And most of all... I am ashamed.

My pants and clothes were getting tighter and tighter, and I just kept putting off what I know that I need to do, and that is to rein in my eating habits.  I have gotten lazy.  I don't cook anymore, and anytime I have been stressed I have reached for the chocolate (and worse!).  Last night I realised it had gotten bad when even B noticed how much chocolate I had been eating... it's strange, I knew that it wasn't right, or healthy, but it took someone else to notice for me to have a bit of a wake up call and to have a reality check.  It's not that B is unobservant, it's just that he doesn't always voice the observations.

So after thinking about it all night, I did what I have been avoiding for weeks... this morning I jumped onto the scales... and I couldn't believe the number that came up... How could I have gone so far backwards.  It took me over 4 years to lose 23kg and then I go and put it all back on in a year plus some more!!  I always read about people who did that, and I always told myself I wasn't going to be one of them... Turns out I am...

I think the thing that gets to me the most is that I have had people tell me that I inspired them because I had lost weight.  I have put it all out there, my friends and family know that I had been losing weight, and now I feel like a big disapointment not only to them, but to myself.  I have friends who read this blog, and I wish that they weren't reading this post, as I just want to hide from the shame and avoid the awkward conversations that I know will come up.

The truth is, I know what I need to do to fix this, I am just struggling with confidence in myself to actually do it. I have to say, that right now, I don't think that I can. I know I have to, I just hate that I have to go through it all again and I can't help thinking "why bother? I'm probably going to put the weight back on again..."

I am too embarrassed to post up my current weight (something I haven't experienced before), but I am here, trying to climb back onto the wagon and trying to put my shattered self confidence back together again. Right now, my focus is simply to get my eating back on track and hopefully from there start incorporating exercise and getting my life back.

Blogger Challenge Week 5: Health

A lot of people looking to lose weight, initially consider their appearance first and foremost.  One thing that generally comes once some weight has been lost and fitness has been built up, is the affect it has had on their weight.

Other people need to lose weight for their health, and the appearance aspect is secondary.  There are fears from health conditions which can include the possibility of death.

And yet again, others are already considered healthy but want to continue on their journey of having a healthy life.

It doesnt matter which category you fit into, each of you will have your own idea of what being healthy means to you.  Is it, being able to run? Lowering your blood pressure? Being able to run after your kids? Is it eating healthy?  Is it feeling energetic?  These are only some of the ideas.

So, what does being healthy mean to YOU?  What is it that has made you start this journey into being a healthier you?

If you are a little confused about what to do, please read through the blogger challenge instructions (opens in a new window).

To link your answer to this blog post, just click the add your blog button below. From here you paste the link for your actual post (not your blog). This weeks Blogger Challenge will close at 11:59pm on Wednesday 21st March 2012.

Blogger challenge glitch

Hi all, I have just had a look at the post for this morning, and there seems to have been a glitch in the post going out (and I may have lost my post! Gah!!!) I will need to fix this up tonight once I get home. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Blogger Challenge Week 3: Rewards

You have made it to Week 3!!  Congratulations!  Are you starting to get the hang of the program now?

This I wanted to touch on rewarding yourself for your efforts during the program.  I find that I (and many others) get bogged down in focussing too much on what hasn't gone right and getting upset that they are 'failing'.

One of the key things to remember is that each time you try you are taking one big step forward, afterall, where would you be if you actually stopped?? Nowhere, right?

You can have small wins and bigger accomplishments, these are personal to you, your lifestyle and your mindset - everyone will be different, although you might find some interesting ideas that resonate with you on your fellow 12WBTer blogs.

Rewards don't have to have a monetary value.  Is there something you have always wanted to do? Something that you seem to put off for a later date? The thing to remember, is not to use food as a reward - this is how you got into trouble in the first place (well, in most cases anyway lol  - I am one of them!!).

Some ideas (both with and without a cost and for big and/or small achievements) are:

• Take a bath - candles and bubble bath galore
• Get a pedicure/manicure - give one to yourself, or pay to get one done
• Get a massage
• Buy a new book
• Go for a bushwalk - check out our national parks
• Go and see a movie (just bring your own healthy snacks)
• Catch up with friends you haven't seen for a while - in person or over the phone
• Climb the harbour bridge (or another national monument haha!) - some 12WBTer's did this before the 12WBT finale/workout
• Go for a swim
• Buy some new shoes

These are only some ideas - find some that work for you.


So, my question to you is: How will you acknowledge and reward yourself during Round 1, 2012 of the 12WBT? What are the small wins?  What are your big accomplishments? How will you achieve these and how will you reward your efforts? (food doesn't count!)

I can't wait to see what you guys come up with!  Happy blogging!

If you are a little confused about what to do, please read through the blogger challenge instructions (opens in a new window).

To link your answer to this blog post, just click the add your blog button below. From here you paste the link for your actual post (not your blog). This weeks Blogger Challenge will close at 11:59pm on Wednesday 7th March 2012.

Leap Day!

Today is Leap Day!!  I have always been facinated by the fact that every four years we get an extra day... although I reckon it would be a pretty awesome public holiday... but then again us Aussies do love our public holidays! haha!!

There is a tradition that a on a leap day, a woman can ask a man to marry him (and back in the day if a man refused apparently he had to compensate her! lol), and while that hasn't happened to me (and it probably won't, I think B and I like traditions too much lol), my Mum did propose to my Dad on a leap day all those years ago :)

Anyway, I just basically just wanted to check in today.  The urge to get back into exercise is getting stronger with every day that my stress levels are dropping (although in saying that, I think that the amount of time I am spending in study is dropping too haha!).  I even had a plan last night to pack my gym bag as I really wanted to go to the gym and jump on a treadmill after work today.

Unfortunately, that plan didn't quite workout as I was up super early this morning with Miss 3, getting her ready for daycare so that I could start work at 7.30am.  I am not disapointed in myself for not going though, as it is stocktake time at work and believe me, I got a workout!!  Up and down, up and down! Bend and straighten, bend and straighten. I kinda wish I had of worn my HRM to work! That would have been interesting!!

A Shout Out!

I just wanted to take a quick break from studying to pop on here and say THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to comment on here or email me (or even post on your blog!) to give me support.

I am amazed by how supportive people can be.  As you all probably know, it's really hard to put yourself out there sometimes and own up to the fact that you aren't coping, that you are worried that you are failing or even of how people will percieve you.

I have recieved so much loving support from my blog readers and I just feel so grateful to have this support network here.

Another thing that has helped me is knowing that there are other people in the same boat as me. I realise that there can be a point where this can become an excuse, but I just want to say to others out there, that you will know in yourself it is really an excuse or if it is more than that.  Don't let others put that pressure on you - and don't compare yourself to how everyone else is going.  Just because you don't have the same results, doesn't mean that you are any less of a person (I need to remember this too!!).  Make the program work for you and your situation!

All of the support has helped me over the last few days.  I feel much more relaxed and the pressure on myself has eased.  I even went and did a grocery shop and picked up some stuff to make some of my 'back to basics' meals that I used to have when I was losing weight on my own. I am actually looking forward to have something nutritious!

Thank you all for helping me!!

3 Weeks into Uni... and the TRUTH about where I have been....

WARNING: post contains revelations (and seems to have become a novel!)

3 Weeks into Uni... and already there have been tears (a lot actually!), major melt downs, stress, poor nutrition and lack of exercise...

I have been putting off this post for the last 2 weeks (since the 12WBT started), because, well... I felt like a failure...

I touched on this in my blogger challenge answer I wrote earlier today, however I don't think that post quite told you the whole truth - not that I was lying, but the point of the post was positivity lol, and I just didn't want to bring it down.

So, let's get to the crux of the problem - I wasn't coping with so many life changes going on at the same time, and I was putting far too much pressure on myself, which is not a good combination!! When I am stressed, not happy or just don't know how to handle a situation, I basically "shut down".  I avoid people, I don't ask for help, and I don't want people to see that I am struggling.  I guess, that maybe I don't want to admit to myself either... The problem with this was that I didn't put it out there where it usually helps me, and where I recieve a lot of support - here! On my blog. 

I have negleted my blog over the last couple of weeks, and I am so glad that I had the foresight to have all of the blogger challenge questions ready and scheduled, because otherwise, it just wouldn't have happened.

University isn't like I thought it would be... or to be more accurate, I'm not the uni student I thought I would be.  I have really struggled with my classes!!  I have had a lot of problems trying to comprehend topics (mostly chemistry), and I have spent so much time in my study it's, quite honestly, unbelievable.  I have barely seen my partner, and when I did I was usually in tears of frustration or stress, so the poor bugger hasn't had an easy time of being a boyfriend at the moment. 

I struggled with my subjects so much, that before week 2 was over I could see (thankfully!) that I wasn't doing so well, and recognise that something had to go... and in fact, it was 2 things... the 12WBT (don't panic, I will get to this in a moment!) and my Anatomy subject.  I simply couldn't focus on so much going on, especially with my priority being university at this point in time.  If I have any chance of surviving uni, I need to realise and accept that I am not Wonder Woman.  I am actually human and it is ok to not to try and do everything!

My main confusion (at this point in time!) to do with chemistry has been resolved and for the forst time in 3 weeks I don't feel as though my neck and back are just one giant knot. I feel semi-human again and that I might be able to do this.  Yes, my time is completely taken up by uni, work and studying around all of this (bedtimes are about 10.30pm atm, and that's basically filled with study from as soon as I get home for the day), however, the other day I had a bit of an epiphany... I can still loose weight if I try!!

My thinking on this, is that in all honesty, I don't think I will be following Mish's plan to a T, however I want to concentrate mostly on what I am eating. So, in my case, making sure I eat breakfast, eating a healthier lunch and making sure I am eating a healthy dinner.

I realise this probably sounds really simple, but I am going to make it even easier for myself.  I will be eating some of Mish's meals, however I am going to go back to some old faithful's from when I was losing weight on my own.  I won't be sticking to 1200 calories, but aiming for 1500 calories instead.

I have come to realise that at this point in time, I need to make things really easy on myself...  My partner is in the US for the next week, but I am not going to let this stop me. I am going to sit down with my Meal Planner app on my iPad and put in my meals I want to eat this week, get a shopping list and get all of my ingredients.  I think in a way, I want to use this time on my own to get back to where I was a year ago on my weightloss journey. I think that because I was single, it was actually a little easier for me foodwise.  I in no way blame  how I eat on my life now, it's just that it was a habit I was in a year ago, and so far I don't really have many healthy habits... I need to find that will that I used to have instead of being in a 'comfort place'.

I am lucky enough that B is supportive and is happy to cook meals but I think first off, I need to remember what my favourite healthy meals are...

Right now, it's time for me to get back to basics!!

So, while I still consider myself to be a part of this round, I won't be participating to the full extent. I realise that this isn't the best use of my participation to the program, but right now, I think it is the only way that I can participate.

My weightloss journey will be slow... but I will lose the weight!!