I am at my heaviest weight... ever!!
That's right... my weight has gone up... and up... and up... I weighed myself this morning and discovered that the last few weeks of comfort eating, not facing my fears and hiding from the world has done exactly what I was afraid of... I am back at the beginning... in fact, I have gone even further back!
I have to admit that I have been avoiding my blog. I didn't want to be held accountable, and the very real truth is, I don't even want to tell you all this. I am embarrassed. I am disapointed in myself. And most of all... I am ashamed.
My pants and clothes were getting tighter and tighter, and I just kept putting off what I know that I need to do, and that is to rein in my eating habits. I have gotten lazy. I don't cook anymore, and anytime I have been stressed I have reached for the chocolate (and worse!). Last night I realised it had gotten bad when even B noticed how much chocolate I had been eating... it's strange, I knew that it wasn't right, or healthy, but it took someone else to notice for me to have a bit of a wake up call and to have a reality check. It's not that B is unobservant, it's just that he doesn't always voice the observations.
So after thinking about it all night, I did what I have been avoiding for weeks... this morning I jumped onto the scales... and I couldn't believe the number that came up... How could I have gone so far backwards. It took me over 4 years to lose 23kg and then I go and put it all back on in a year plus some more!! I always read about people who did that, and I always told myself I wasn't going to be one of them... Turns out I am...
I think the thing that gets to me the most is that I have had people tell me that I inspired them because I had lost weight. I have put it all out there, my friends and family know that I had been losing weight, and now I feel like a big disapointment not only to them, but to myself. I have friends who read this blog, and I wish that they weren't reading this post, as I just want to hide from the shame and avoid the awkward conversations that I know will come up.
The truth is, I know what I need to do to fix this, I am just struggling with confidence in myself to actually do it. I have to say, that right now, I don't think that I can. I know I have to, I just hate that I have to go through it all again and I can't help thinking "why bother? I'm probably going to put the weight back on again..."
I am too embarrassed to post up my current weight (something I haven't experienced before), but I am here, trying to climb back onto the wagon and trying to put my shattered self confidence back together again. Right now, my focus is simply to get my eating back on track and hopefully from there start incorporating exercise and getting my life back.
Whirlsie, firstly good on you for your honesty... But second - COME ON!!!! What are you doing?? Do you want this? Maybe you need to do your pre-season tasks again - especially the one about making a commitment to yourself and then sticking to it. Also, I wondered if you tend to be a perfectionist, so if you can't do everything perfect (ie eating and exercising completely as per the plan) you feel you might as well give it in? I believe you can do this. There are your other readers who believe you can lose weight and all those people on the forums stumbling and bumbling along on our experiences we all know you can do it too. Oh Whirlsie, please know you have so much support. Good luck, my friend.... keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteOh Whirls, I totally know how you feel. My weight has gone up and down since I was a teen and it can be so hard sometimes. And I found it quite a bit harder to find motivation when I started dating someone new over a year ago, I'd much rather cuddle on the couch with him than go exercising! (not that I'm blaming him, he's a runner, ha ha).
ReplyDeleteBut you can totally do it, its a bit of a pain having to lose the weight again but you know you CAN!
Good luck Whirls! Looking forward to reading more posts ;)
We are all here to support you. There are times when I does seem so hard and things don't seem to click.
ReplyDeleteWhat Janie D said in her comment is what I realised last week about perfectionism. If I had a day that I could only do a short workout and "only" burn 300 cals then I would be defeated by not doing 500cals and then would do nothing! It was absolutely holding me back.
Just start doing what you can. Do a couple of things that help you feel like you have some control back.
Oh Whirlsie, big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYou obviously want to do this, coz you signed up, AND you'd lost all that weight which is a totally rocking achievement. And I'm guessing that you do want to get back on track, otherwise you would have just drifted away and never fessed up on here.
You just need to flick that switch back on, the one that kicks your willpower into gear and get on with it. Re-set some goals...and put them out here so we can help you work to them.
Please don't give up. You CAN do this. Make this the last time you ever have to lose weight, and let us hold your hand while you do.
Xx
It totally sucks to re-gain weight that you have worked so hard to lose, I know, I've done this for years. But the most I ever lost was 10kg, but I would always eventually put it back on, plus a little more.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what, you just have to keep going, go back over your pre-season tasks, and start again. If you fall down once more, then you just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. Just keep starting and going. And know that everyone here who reads your blog wants the best for you and we'll always be here to help you and encourage you, so if you ever need to, please don't be afraid to just ask for help xoxo