Soul Searching

Well, over the last 24 hours I have done a bit of soul searching and poured it all into this blog!  I have added a few tabs to the top of my blog with some new sections! There is now an About Me page, a Goals page and a Progress page.

It all started yesterday morning with a weigh in.  You see, the gym session the other day really gave me a kick up the butt, and I thought about where I was heading and what I want, so, I thought I would get it all out there and write it all down.  I think I have been a little braver than I have in the past... there are a lot more photos involved!!  I have decided that on the Progress page, that ever 4 weeks I will not only update the stats, but I will also add a photo of me... and hopefully there will be changes!

So, I have set myself a goal of losing 8kg by 29 September 2012.  This works out to be 0.62kg per week (it's 13 weeks away).  There is a wedding on that we will be going to, and I would really like to be able to wear the dress I mentioned in this post. There is no particular reason for losing 8kg, I just wanted a goal that is achieveable and something that I can work towards. 

So, here are my stats.  This is my starting point!

Week 1

Wednesday 27 June 2012

		Change	Total Loss
Weight:	104.6kg	-	-
Arm:	32cm	-	-
Bust:	117.5cm	-	-
Waist:	127.5cm	-	-
Hips:	129cm	-	-
Thigh:	74cm	-	-

I also want to go to the gym 3 times a week, on a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.  These are my days off from uni, and it means that I won't be straining my knee too much.

I also need to start calorie counting again, so I will be using Calorie King.  I am so out of practice for doing this, it seems to be taking a while to get back into that routine again.

One thing I do need to remember is that I don't have the same routines and lifestyle as before, so I will be making mistakes and probably eating things I shouldn't without thinking (comes down to practice again lol) - this is ok!!  Just keep going and keep trying!!

Promise Kept!

I finished uni today, got in the car and had an "oh crap!" moment when I realised that I had promised everyone that I was gonna go to the gym today...

Well, I went!

As I said, I was only gonna take it easy, which I did, but I am so glad that I kept to that as while I was fine in the beginning, by the time I got to the last 10 minutes or so I could feel the strain in my knee.

What I was hoping to do was:

• 10 minutes on the treadmill (walking)
• 10 minutes on the cross trainer (walking)
• 10 minutes on the bike (low-medium speed)

What I actually did was:

• 10 minutes on the treadmill (walking)
• 5 minutes on the cross trainer (walking)
• 5 minutes on the bike (low-medium speed)

I know it seems quite small, but I think it was a good start and it gives me something to improve on.

As proof, here is my calorie burn from my HRM

Struggling to get out of the door

I started to write this post last night, but stopped... seems kind of fitting considering the topic! lol

My mindset is so much better than it has been in the recent past, I am feeling a lot happier with myself and I feel more in control and that I can get back onto the weightloss wagon again.  In fact, in a way I have been looking forward to it!

So, what's happened... nothing... It's as though something is still holding me back, I am not sure what it is, but it's like I just can't get started.

I originially named this post to talk about my gym efforts.  I have been going to go to the gym so many times in recent weeks, and have even gotten dressed to go... but just haven't been able to push myself out of the door.

I think I might be scared...

I think I am scared of failing... of not making it, of losing all of the weight again and being back at this point again.

I know what lies ahead, I know all of the hard work that I will need to put in... and in truth, I don't know if I can do it...  But, I also know that without all of that hard work, I won't get what I want.

So, rather than fighting myself on this one, I am going to just get my butt to the gym.  Today!  I have uni classes on today, but I can drive to the gym when they are done and jump on the treadmill or cross trainer. I won't be pushing myself hard for a few reasons; I don't think my body will be used to it, I need to start back at the beginning and build my fitness up, and I need to build up the strength in my knee gradually.

So, my promise to you all is that tonight I will be back with an update on my first trip back to the gym!

I'm a Spoon!

The other night I was thinking about what clothes should I be wearing, in a "Trinny & Susannah should come and save me" fashion sense, and I decided to do a bit of googling.

I managed to find a calculator at Shop Your Shape as my judgement cannot be trusted when it comes to my perception of my body.  The result it brought back was that I am a spoon.

As a Spoon Body type (sometimes called figure 8), your hips are larger than your bust and you have a defined waist. Your hips have a “shelf” appearance, you are prone to gaining weight in your tummy and have a tendency towards love-handles. While you may gain weight in your upper thighs and upper arms, your lower legs and arms are shapely and your best assets.

This is pretty spot on for me... My hips are like a shelf - and while it probably seems a little strange, it's just nice to know that this is normal... My hips are a PITA, it's hard to find something that flatters, but also makes them a little slimmer, and I don't even want to talk about trying to find something to fit!

Luckily for me there are a few sites out there that can help me work it out!  While I am in no way shape or form a fashionista, I am hoping that I can pull some tips in what to look for in clothes. Apparently, this is what I need to look for:

The key to dressing a Spoon body type is to draw attention to your upper body while deemphasizing your tummy and hips to create a more balanced appearance and create the illusion of an hourglass figure. Your legs are one of your best asset, so feel free to play with skirt lengths and show them off! To create the most curvaceous effect mix and match our suggested separates.

 The only downside I can find to the Shop Your Shape size is that they don't have more examples, the reason for this is that they pointed out the most gorgeous dress, that simply put I WANT! It's from ModCloth, which I had heard of before, but now I think I may become a customer as they have some amazing stuff! The picture on the right is the dress suggested and I am just so in love!!  Admittedly, Shop Your Shape does have a "virtual shopper", so I have signed up for that and I will be interested in seeing what it sends back to me.

I mentioned before that I am not usually into fashion, the reason I have been looking into all of this is mostly because as I have put on weight recently, there is now a lack of clothes that fit me in my wardrobe, so I thought I would make some!  Basically, what I have done is made myself a couple of A+ Skirts by Make It Perfect in a cord fabric (pinwale) so that I could have something comfy and cute in the Canberra winter.  Initially I made one in black and one in green, but I love them so much that I yesterday I bought some red and blue fabric.  I am not usually so bright in my clothing choices, but they actually make me feel quite fun and confident in them... especially with tights and boots!  I might actually post up some pictures of me wearing them (if anyone is interested! lol).  I had made a few of these skirts for summer, but I was curious how they would go in a heavier fabric - and I think they are awesome!!

Back to the Brace

A few nights ago I managed to crash into the bedside table... and hurt my injured knee (btw - what's with that?!  Can I not have banged the other knee, you know, evened things up a bit?!). I thought, oh it's ok, I'll just rest it, ice and heat it and go from there...

However, while it has been getting better again, is has been a huge step backwards and yesterday I even had to wear my knee brace to work again for extra support as I could feel a bit of pulling along the back of the knee and it just felt a little weak.

I currently have a big purple bruise across my knee cap, so it's a little tender.

A little more rest I think and then I might pop back to the gym and do some walking on the cross trainer (as recommended by the physio).

Perception

You know, perception is a funny thing...

When the picture (right) was taken, I was so convinced this was a horrible photo, that I looked awful! I thought I was so fat and how much I hated my hips.  That I had lost so much weight, but you really couldn't even tell.

When I came across this photo tonight, I just thought "OMG!  How thin do I look!!" My face looks so thin and so do my arms... yes, I have big hips, but WOW! Look at my waist! There is definition!!  Even my nect looks thin as does my chest! (not small boobs (although, yes, they are smaller lol) but the part under my neck looks thinner).  And then I remembered how I felt when the photo was taken.

It struck me how weird perception is... I guess it brings back that old saying "you don't know what you've got until it's gone", you just don't seem to appreciate stuff until it's not there anymore... hindsight is a beautiful thing!

At the time this picture was taken, I was probably about the 80kg mark... a good 20kg less than I am now... crazy!!  I was at the gym regularly and my eating was pretty awesome.  MB had come to my gym for the 1st birthday (I think it was) and also did a book signing.  She was pretty inspriring to meet in person! In truth, I didn't really like her before I actually met her! lol

Do you have anything like this? Where your perception has changed completely?

Uni Results

Hi All

I was just having a little 'chat' with Debby on her blog (The Tardis) where she mentioned my uni work, and I realised that after all of my previous posts on my uni work, I should probably let you know about my actual results!!

My first semseter of uni was quite stressful (as you probably read from my frantic posts), but honestly, it was quite enjoyable!!  I am so appreciative that I have been able to go to full time study, and I love to learn, so it's a great combination!

So, anyway, I have just completed Chemistry 1A, Concepts in Biology and Psychology 101.  The only subject that I was really worried about was Chemistry, as it has a high fail rate and it's not exactly the easiest subject!! All I wanted to do was pass Chemistry 1A as I couldn't go ahead and do Chemistry 1B until I had passed.... and I did struggle with chemistry a bit!

Anyway, my results were:

• Chemistry 1A: Credit (even better than a pass, but I can tell you now... I studied my arse off for that credit!!!)
• Concepts in Biology: Credit
• Psychology 101: Distinction

So, I have to say I am really proud of what I achieved!!!

At the moment, I am back at uni again, as I have decided to do subjects in the Winter Term.  This term is half the time of a full semester, so the units are condensed.  I am doing Introduction to Statistics and Indigenous History and Self Expression.

I have decided that for my electives, I want to do Indigenous subjects as I have always had an interest and I would like to have a better understanding, especially in Indigenous Health (a subject that I will be doing in Semester 2 - along with Chemistry 1B and Systemic Anatomy &  Physiology.)

Feeling Empowered

I am feeling so great about myself lately! I am finally starting to feel a bit more in control and a lot happier with choices I have been making. While my eating hasn't really improved, my mindset has definitely taken a turn for the awesome!

I have found it so hard to look at my eating habits in a healthy way, and while I had been feeling pretty good about it all since my last post, it wasn't until a late night call to my bestie last night that I was finally able to verbalise it all and really get it right in my own mind.

So many of my old sayings were coming out of my mouth last night and they really pumped me up and filled me with a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in such a long time... the kind of feelings that sent me on my journey to become a dietician.

I thought that I would share some of these with you, these are some of my "pearls of wisdom" that I have gathered along my journey and passed on to a lot of my friends who asked me for help:

1. Forget the fad diets - you hear so many people saying this, but really.... are you listening?? Don't do the shakes, don't do meal replacements and forget about the diet pills... those are obvious... but what about the all-or-nothing diets?  The ones where you are restricted to eating exactly what they say and exercising as much as they say? And how long do they go for?? 1 week, 2 weeks, 10 weeks, 6 months?! More? Less? Are you feeling trapped by what they are telling you to do?  Do you feel even more stressed?  Do you feel less than perfect for not doing it exactly?!
2. Live within your lifestyle - Do you just love coffee?? (I sure do!!  Have u seen my coffee machine?!) Can u not say no to chocolate?! Then don't cut it out... use it as a reward or just cut it down... The problem I have found over the years is that if I completely cut something out, the minute I have a stressful period in my life or would usually comfort eat, I tend to go ballistic with what I have cut out of my diet and I binge... and it's not pretty!
3. There is no such thing as a perfect diet - while there are ideal ways of eating, and scientists are telling you what you should eat and what you shouldn't, don't forget that it's not really possible to eat every kind of veggie you need to in a day, or that some days you will go over the reccommended protein intake... you can only do the best you can do!
4. You need to live - got a birthday coming up? Want cake? Or a glass of wine? Then have it... don't forget to live!  Enjoy life! Celebrate it!!  Just don't do it all the time... it comes back to moderation... work it in!
5. Most meals can be made healthier - One of my favourite dishes is out of the Symply Too Good To Be True cookbooks... its a Meat Pie that once you taste the gravy you will never want a shop bought pie ever again!!  Look at how you can cut down sugar, fat or the calorie content of your favourite dish!
6. Your body is not a computer - while weightloss is definitely a "calories in, calories out" process, your body doesn't always work logically.  You might be retaining water, you might have a medical condition that slows your weightloss efforts or ur body may just be stubborn that week and won't reflect your weightloss on the scales... bascially, do what you can, and let your body sort itself out... it will balance it all out in the end, and if you put in the work, you will get the rewards!
7. Is it the number or the loss that you want? This probably seems a little strange, but there is a difference... I have had so many friends tell me "I just want to get to xx kilos"... and I usually ask them this question... the thing is, do you want the number on the scales or to be a certain size... because these do not always equal the same thing.  For example, I am currently at my heaviest weight, but I am not the biggest size I have ever been.  Exercise, diet and previous weightloss has changed my body shape and I have more muscle than I have before.  So while the number on the scales say I am bigger, my clothing says something else.  Use a tape measure for an accurate measure of results.
8. Do what you can - there is no point in pushing yourself to breaking point... Exercise is important for your health and for weightloss, but if you can only exercise for 20 minutes a day, or only a few times a week, then it's far more than you would be doing if you just sat on the couch. If you have a particularly hard time coming up, then work around it, don't forget to exercise or eat properly, just be sensible about what you can do.
9. Appreciate how far YOU have come - I am the worst at comparing myself to others, but every now and then I will actually take a look at what I have achieved, and it's something that no one can take away from me.  Have you changed your approach to food and exercise? Have you lost weight? Have you run for a whole fun run? Celebrate!  Look at what you have achieved! 
10. This is life - my first point was to avoid fad diets... this is kind of related to that.  Most fad diets are short lived (and often ridiculous!), make small changes and build on from those to make these healthy changes for life.  This is your lifestyle and only you can change it. Look at the smaller things to change as sometimes looking at the whole picture can be daunting and seem unobtainable... start small and remember, it all begins with one step.

All of these are things that I have learned for myself... and I have a story for each of them (won't bore you with that though!).  I have more tips, but I think 10 is enough for now! lol

I am feeling so empowered... this is the feeling I have been missing in regards to my weightloss journey for over a year now... I am so happy that I have found it again.  I am really looking forward to getting back into it all and the thought that the weightloss will be slow is fine... it's the steady that I am looking for!

Meltdown

Well, I am pre-menstral and I came across some photos of me when I was at my lightest tonight.... cue meltdown.

In all honesty, I think the part that I struggle with the most in regards to my weight loss comes down to 2 key factors; that I put on so much weight in such a short amount of time; and that I can't seem to find the person I used to be...

Don't get me wrong though, I really love my life at the moment, everything I was wishing for a couple of years ago has come true and I am achieving things that I didn't think I would be able to (eg, going to uni full time).

I have always been a "If you don't like it, then fix it" kinda gal, and I have to admit that I have avoided my blog for fear of sounding like a broken record.  Not so long ago I was posting about all of my awesome achievements, and it seems like now, I just can't get my shit together.

I am so ashamed of myself that I have put on all of the weight that I had lost, and while people tell me that "it's ok, that's life" or "you know that you can do it again", just makes me so sad because last time it took me about 4 years to lose 25 kilos... and in all honesty, thinking about doing it all again literally just makes me cry.

Why is it that everytime something sweet passes my lips I think "It's ok, it won't make that much of a difference", when I do know that it does...

It's not completely the weight gain factor, it is also the fact that I have reverted back to my eating habits of a single student... I can't believe how much takeaway and processed foods I eat... which makes me tired and cranky....

I do love the way I feel eating fresh foods and exercising, but because of my now sedentary lifestyle and lack of nutritious foods, I have no energy and have gotten myself into this cycle where I am too "tired and lazy".

The sad part is, for someone who had conquered all of her negative talk and had so much self confidence, I really don't feel worthy, or even as though I can do it... because I can't seem to stick it out and get my shit sorted....

Today was the first day that I actually felt like I could go to the gym, hell, I even got dressed in my gym clothes.... and then, I didn't go... why?!  I have no idea.... it was like all of my motivation disappeared... and in a way... maybe I was too scared to face the gym... I kept thinking about all of the weight I have put on and what I looked like... and that I was embarrassed to actually be seen at the gym (ridiculous or what?!)  I busted that fear years ago.... but that was also after losing 15kg... I was also worried about my knee... but I figure if I can stand and walk around for 8 hours at work, then I should be able to do a little bit of C25K for 30 minutes....

If I am 100% honest.... I think I am wanting something instantaneous.... I know that I need to do this for myself, but for the first time in such a long time.... I actually feel helpless and have no confidance in my ability to lose the weight.. I can help but think "What's the point?!"

I have decided that I need to stop being so concerned about what people think of me, and what I write and just put it out there and get all of this off my chest... in the hopes that it will help my journey.  It is nothing against you all, more that I need to stop avoiding my feelings and actually get them out there... and not be so concerned that I might be percieved as a whinger...

B and I have been talking tonight (during the meltdown) and come to the decision that we both need to start working out... and while neither of us are morning people, it seems that's the time that we really need to get it done... plus I love how I feel after exercising in the mornings.

I really need to stop being such an all-or-nothing person.  The truth is that I am human, I eat crappy foods sometimes... and... I am ok with that!!  I do have a lot on my plate, I can't dedicate most of my time on weightloss these days... food is harder to organise now... there is more cooking and less leftovers, there is also uni and running around after Miss 4 as well as trying to spend time with B.

I am hoping that now that 1st Semester is done, I know what to expect, and can work everything in.... with less stress preferably... It will take time... and I won't be ace at it to start with.... I don't like not being good at something (did I mention I was an all-or-nothing kinda gal?!) so this will take some strong internal dialogue.

What I really need to do.... is make a committment.... and anyone who has read this blog while I was doing the 12WBT would know that I really struggle with making a committment... but, I'm going to MAKE myself do it here and now.... no putting it off!!!

I commit myself to exercise 3 mornings a week, on days that I am not working, by doing the C25K program.

This is the first step in my rehabilitation... the reason I have chosen to not exercise on work days is only because I am spending so much time running around as it is, I think that I shouldn't put too much pressure on my knee all on one day... so I'll spread it out so that my knee is getting a work out almost every day.