All or Nothing?

I have taken this week off from exercise in the hopes to actually have time to sort out my flat and get it ready to rent out.  This means moving, packing, selling furniture and then once all of that is done (at this stage it pretty much is!) I then need to clean it all out.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a 'clean freak'.  Cleaning was never a priority for me, my house may not have been tidy all the time, but I was happy with that as it was generally only me who was there.  The thing that people don't know about me, is that when I am stressed out or really unhappy, I clean... and I mean clean!!  My bestie Tory could tell you all about it from when we lived together.  It has been my way of dealing with things really... I think if you did ask her though, she would tell you about the time that I went out and scrubbed the balcony... lol what can I say, it was dirty and I needed a little bit of 'cleaning-therapy'.

The thing is, that I know I am stressed out when I am looking forward to cleaning.  When I want to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the slate flooring in the flat. When I want to wash all the walls down, and when I am looking forward to washing windows. I think that this has to do with wanting to be in control or something, as I generally can't tollerate anyone helping me to do the cleaning - I need to do it on my own.  My boyfriend has never really seen me do this, and I have to say, that if it scared Tory, I can't imagine what he is going to think...

Anyway, all of these thoughts brings me back to the 12WBT.  I know that as much as I try not to (and I have tried to focus on not doing this during the last 9 weeks) I am very much an all or nothing person.  Meaning that I have to be doing it all - exercise, eating, mindset or I feel like doing nothing... or lately, I feel like I am not doing it right.  I have mentioned before that I like processes.  I like having a step by step plan, and I like sticking to that plan.  I like checklists and I like ticking off tasks that I have completed.  I enjoy completing a task well and I love the sense of accomplishment that comes with it...

This week, I don't have a sense of accomplishment - I haven't followed any of Mish's plans.  I haven't eaten right (it hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been great), I haven't exercised and my mindset is out the window.  Last night I wanted to binge... I didn't even care what on.  It could have been fish and chips (or dim sims!), chocolate, ice cream, baked goods.  I didn't care!  Well, I didn't want to care, but deep down I knew that this kind of self sabotage wouldn't help me... so I didn't.  This made me realise that while I haven't stuck to the plans, something must have stuck, because I still  haven't had a major blow out or binge.  I have wanted to.  I have wanted to just not care and to just eat, but something has always pulled me back where I have decided against it at the last minute.

Yesterday was also weigh in day and combine the 600g gain with PMS and stress and you get one messed up girl who is crying in her boyfriend's arms by the end of the night.  With so many things on my plate, I am finding it really hard to think about the 12WBT.  I keep thinking that it's ok because once things are all sorted, that I will be straight back into it... but then there is this other little voice telling me that I should be able to work this program into my life as this is a forever deal, and I should just be able to make it work...

I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about going into part time work.  The thought that some day soon I will be able to get through everything (work, uni, exercise, etc).  I mentioned this on a uni forum the other day when discussing the prospect of taking on a subject over the summer, and one of the first replies I had back was a "well i have this, this and this in my life so if I can do it then you should too/I have more in my day - what are you complaining about?!" kind of posts.  Why do people feel the need to do that!?  I think I compare myself to others enough without someone else adding to it.

Anyway... I guess the point to all of this is that I am still here, but not so focussed... Will be trying to get back into it all as of next week - hopefully I will have the flat completely sorted by the end of the weekend :)

Crazy, Crazy Week!

Where has all of my time gone??  I seem to be packing as much as I possibly can into my days lately, and I am already feeling the strain!  I need to get a few things off my to-do list to be able to get things under control, at this point I feel like I have 50 things trying to get my attention, and I have to say there is only so much that I can do.

In saying all of that, I have actually made it to the gym 6 days last week, and sadly, I know I won't do it this week.  To help remove some of the strain in my life at the moment, I have decided to focus on getting my flat ready to rent.  This means moving the last of my stuff out (at this stage I am not even bothering with cleaning out as I go unless it is something really obvious) and cleaning.  Then I need to organise insurances, fire alarm testing and signing off the paperwork for the property manager.  I would really like to get all of this done this week.  Aside from just trying to get something off my to do list, it is also a bit of a necessity as I quit my job!!! 

I am going from full time work/part time study to part time work/full time study.  I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about this!!  The last year or more I have been feeling so unhappy with my life, or how my time was spent to be more exact.  I felt like I was losing myself and just couldn't seem to settle.  I felt as though I was constantly on the go and couldn't fit everything in.  Lucky for me I have a very supportive boyfriend who wants to see me succeed and to be happy.

Now, a little more on my actual 12WBT journey!

Let's see... this last week I have had my weekly weigh in, my Week 8 fitness test and my Week 8 milestone!

So, my weigh in was as follows

Week 8
Wednesday 2 November

		Change	Total Loss
Weight:	91.6kg	-1.1kg	-4.9kg
Arms: (ea)	28.5cm	-1cm	-1cm
Bust:	108.5cm	-2cm	-5.5cm
Waist:	118cm	-1cm	-5.5cm
Hips:	118.5cm	-1.5cm	-6cm
R Thigh:	54cm	-2cm	-4.5cm
L Thigh:	54cm	-2cm	-4.5cm
Totals:		-10.5cm	28cm

I didn't actually realise until now that I have only lost 1.1kg in 4 weeks.  To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement.  It seems quite dismal.  I will confess and tell you all that I haven't been sticking to the program 100%.  We aren't very organised when it comes to grocery shopping or planning meals or getting it all sorted.  We were in the beginning, but I think since we stopped following Mish's plan exactly and since the fridge died.  All excuses, I know, but right now my mind isn't into the whole planning side of this... I just need to get a few things out of the way first.

I also did my Week 8 Fitness Test and can I just say that I am gobsmacked at how much I have improved!!!  I actually did the tests a bit all over the place by doing them on different days, but I don't think it matters much.

My 1km time trial was simply amazing!  We did have to change the location as the oval we were using no longer had any lines marked, but we managed to find an even better one!  The best thing is - I did the 1km in 4 minutes 34 seconds!!!  Thats 2 mins 17secs off my time 4 weeks ago and 2 minutes 42 seconds faster since I started the 12WBT.  I even ran almost the entire time!  I didn't run for about 1/4 of a lap (so about 100m).

I also smashed my wall sit!!  Last time I lasted 26 seconds, this time I made it to  1 minute 5 seconds!!!

I managed to do 42 push ups compared to 4 weeks ago where I did 31 pushups.

My sit & reach was also smashed where I was able to reach 5cm more. 

And finally, I have made it to a Level 1  in the sit up test!!!!!  It was so excited!! I promise - there was cheering and squealing in the house that night!!

Now, my Week 8 Milestone was to go paddle boating!! and OMG!!  It is hard!!  I have had bad knees in the past and had a lower back injury as well, so maybe I didn't think this one through that well... We only did half an hour, and I am so glad that we only did that!! It wasn't long before my knees were so sore!!  I think it was

more joint sore than muscle sore - which isn't good.  However, in saying that, it was a great day out on the lake!  Even managed to take a couple of photos! Sorry mine is a little dark and you can't really see my face lol  I was worried about getting sunburned! lol The photo of my partner turned out much better!

First Fun Run: Completed

I can't believe I am typing this, but I actually completed a fun run!!  I honestly never thought I would ever do a fun run, even to walk one.  I am not a runner, I don't enjoy cardio, but I am a competitive kind of person and I do enjoy achieving goals.

This morning I was up at stupid o'clock to be up and ready to start the 4km race at 8am. Well, it was stupid o'clock for a Sunday morning at least!!  I even got to wear my Canberra Crew "Capital Punishment" shirt that I picked up yesterday!!  There were a couple of us there wearing them.  It was actually really awesome knowing that I am part of the Canberra 12WBT team and that there were others there doing it as well!  I even met a couple of other people who were doing the program, but not wearing the shirts - talk about being part of an awesome program with awesome people!!

Carrie and I caught up with one of our friends (Bec) who was doing the run with us that we know through knitting and her mum.  I can't express how awesome it is doing something like this with friends by your side and having that sense of 'team' right from the start.

We all crossed the start line together, running!!  I am not very fit, and I am not that great at running, but I am so proud to say that not only did I run for a bit at the beginning, but I also ran 3 more times during the race!!!  I even managed to get my heart rate up to 183bpm!!!  As the race progressed, we all got separated except for Carrie and I, as we decided to do it together.  It was actually really great doing it together as Carrie was able to push me a little further (and able to get me to run more, and further!).  I'm not sure how much I helped her, but I am so grateful to be doing it with her as I know that we help each other out and keep each other focussed and motivated.

Carrie and I completed the race at approximately 36 minutes (we will get the actual times later tonight), which I think is awesome!! 4km in 36 minutes!!! It was just so great to know that I finished it and I completed it!!!  Not only that, but I finished the race running!!!!!  And boy oh boy - it hurt!!! In that time I burned 557 calories!!!  I was so shocked when that came up on my HRM!!  I honestly wasn't expecting to burn that many in such a short time - looks like running really does burn the calories!!!

UPDATED: My official time was 0:36:35.8 which made me 64th out of 74 runners overall, 10th out of the 11 in my age division and 50th out of 58 women

And just to show you all, these are the back of our Capital Punishment shirts! Love them!!

Things I want to do...

I have just had a sudden realisation... I keep putting things off!

While I love to plan and I love being organised, I never seem to get myself sorted to the point that I can achieve a long standing wish/goal.  Examples: Europe, I have now been, but I could never save the money to get going (thanks ANZ for the loan! lol); weightloss - it took me 4 years to lose 20kilos and 4 months to put it all back on again; and now I have come to realise that there are 2 more things I can add to that list...

1. Bellydancing

In 2007 I took up bellydancing.  I did it for about 3 terms and I loved it!  I stopped because our teacher got sick, and then I could never find a class in my area again.  I found a dance school that has bought it into their curriculum about a year ago, but somehow, I have just never gotten my butt into gear (or my budget) and signed up!  There are actually a few people I know who would be interested as well, and for something that I used to have so much fun doing, why on earth can I not get it sorted?

2. Swimming

For the last 4 or more years, I have had a goal to learn to swim properly... and I still haven't committed to doing it!  Those of you who don't know me IRL, wouldn't know that I have a fear of the water.  I am scared to put my head under the water and I get really panicky when it is (even with goggles on - they make me a little less afraid) and struggle to breath.  This is something that I have wanted to conquer for a so long, yet I can't seem to just sign up!  I don't know if its because I am afraid to be seen in public, the fear of the water or just the fact that I am not a confident swimmer has held me back (as well as the poor budgeting skills yet again! lol)  I honestly feel that swimming is such an important skill to know and I have always vowed that my children (when I have them!) will learn how to be confident in the water.  While I know enough to save my life (hopefully!) if needed, I need to learn the right movements and just get them all working together...  Plus it would be another excellent workout!

I think that I am going to have to make it my mission to complete this next year (not technically putting it off as both terms have already started - and I need to raise the funds lol).  I really miss belly dancing, it's so much fun and a great laugh! I would love to be able to swim laps, and not be afraid of how I look and feel in the water.

Burning those Calories!!

Guess what guys?? Every time I have exercised this week (except once) I have burned over the elusive 500 calories!!! I have even burned over 600 calories a couple of times too!!  How about that!!!

Since my last post, I have exercised when I could.  The only day I didn't was Tuesday and that was due to having to re-home my kitties.  On Wednesday, I did my first pump class in about 3 weeks!  I lowered my weights back to just 5kg (2.5kg each side) but to be honest, I found it a little too easy, so will bump it back up for my next class.  On Wednesday I only burned 375 calories, but I think this is to be expected for a weights class.  Last night there weren't any classes on that Carrie and I wanted/could do, so we followed Mish's gym machine program.  It was actually the first time we have ever fully completed one!!  We did the ab exercises and then the stretches after the cardio machines.  Now, I am not usually a sweater, but when I was on the bike, I felt like I had sweat pouring out of me!!  I managed to burn 601 calories!!! Crazy stuff!!!  It was great though because while I was doing the learn to run portion, I realised that I have come so far since the first one I ever did and as of the next time I do it, I am committing to ramp it up and do the next level!!  It's good to know that while i have been sick, I didn't lose all my fitness!!

Tonight we are planning on doing another Active class, and then tomorrow we will head out to Lake Burley Griffin and do a workout with the Capital Punishment group - we even get to pick up our Capital Punishment tops!! YAY!!! I really can't wait to see them and to be able to wear them. I already have plans to wear my top on Sunday when I do my first fun run!!!

I have to admit that now that the fun run is getting closer, that I am actually really unsure about it all.  I know that I will be walking to majority of it, but is this ok??  Am I supposed to be running it?? I thought it would be a good way to ease myself into this kind of scene, but I have to admit the nerves are starting to set in now!!

Another confession that I have to make is that I have gone a little off the rails in regards to food.  Nothing major, I just haven't been planning, and have had to buy my lunch a few times and we hadn't done our grocery shop so we ate out a couple of nights.  Yesterday I did a rather large online grocery shop, so as of tonight we will have lots of delicious healthy foods all ready to go for the coming week!  I can't wait to try out a few more of Mish's recipes!

Just quickly, I was doing a bit of a tally in my head of calories I have burned this week, and what activities I have done:

• Saturday - 4 week Milestone Bushwalk - burned 500 calories
• Sunday - Walk for Diabetes - burned 673 calories
• Monday - Group Active Class - burned 514 calories
• Tuesday - rest day
• Wednesday - Group Power Class (pump) - burned 375 calories
• Thursday - Mish's Gym Machine Workout  - burned 601 calories  

And coming up I have:

• Friday - Group Active Class
• Saturday - Capital Punishment Circuit Workout
• Sunday - My first ever Fum Run (4km)

This means that in the last 6 days I have burned a total of 2663 calories!!!! Not bad considering my goal was 400 calories a day! Which means that after my workout tonight, I would have smashed that for the week!!!  First time ever!!!

Oh, and the finale details have been released, so B has said that he would like to come up too, so that's awesome!! Poor guy has had to deal with me doing the 12WBT, eating the same foods and dealing with me being so up and down - will be good for him to be able to celebrate the end of the round too!! lol  I just need to organise accommodation and tickets and stuff, but it should be awesome!!  I have to admit, I am terrified of the workout!! haha!!  I don't think I will be able to keep up with everyone!!!

OMG! So Excited!

So, this morning I weighed in as usual and I have gained 700g.  However I am not too concerned about this as I will admit that I did have pizza this week, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of a week.  Also I noticed that this was the week last month that I gained, so looks like there could be a pattern.  

The reason why I am so excited, is that this morning I was reading through Mish's weekly email where she talks about weighing in and the upcoming videos.  There is also a mention of a post in the forums in the last week, and this week she chose mine!!! OMG!!!!  I am just so stoked!!!!  I am very much a person who craves recognition (anyone ever read about the 5 love languages? lol) so this has just made me feel like I am floating!  

This is what Mish wrote:

"Well done whirlsie - you're still with us! And yes! you most certainly should be congratulating yourself and not the other way around - it certainly pays to stop and reflect because as you have shown yourself you are not a quitter and have turned a difficult patch into a positive, with great results too! Way to go whirlsie!"

The link above refers to my post in the forums, but for those of you who aren't 12WBTers, this is what I wrote:

I Am Still Here!

"I did consider putting this post into the Confessions area, but I have decided that this is more of an "I did it!" post.

Over the last couple of weeks I have struggled with what I have been able to do when it comes to exercise (those of you following my blog would have noticed an outpouring of negative posts). I have felt down and felt like I was failing. Why? Because I hadn't been able to reach the 500 calorie mark when exercising, and because I have been sick so much of the last 6 weeks that I haven't been able to exercise. I am so far behind in Mish's workouts that I feel like I almost need to start back at the beginning. The last time I was at the gym I actually almost passed out because my body couldn't take being sick and working out lol! I have put my body first over the last couple of weeks in the hopes of getting better finally and not getting sick again (I think 3 times in one season is enough! lol)

But then over the last couple of days I have realised, "You know what?! I am still here! I still haven't binged, I haven't gone out of my way to eat unhealthily, I haven't let myself down when it comes to food." I have lost weight every week except for one (where I only put on 200g anyway) and I have now lot 4.8kg - which is nothing to sneeze at!

My goals have changed since I first started and have now become a bit more realistic, and the thing is, I might not be losing weight as fast as others, and I may not have been able to exercise as much and I may be falling 'behind' - but I am still here!! I am still trying! My motivation may have waned, but I have not given up!

I haven't done my 4 week milestone (first weekend it rained, and it wouldn't have been safe. Last weekend I was too sick to get out of bed!) but not only am I determined to do it this weekend, but I have also signed up to do a 5.5km walk for a cure for diabetes! (http://walk.jdrf.org.au/teamParticipant.asp?par...) I think this is a great way to get me back into the swing of things and will be a great chance to do something before my first fun run/walk on the 30 October"."

Followed by this post:

"Well, I did the walk and the bushwalk!

It felt so great to be able to do my 4 week milestone!!! I put a picture below of me at the walk signage

The walk for diabetes was great! there were so many people there. We were able to set ourselves a steady brisk walk and managed to do the 5.5km in 55 minutes!!! so proud of that!! By the time I got back to the car I had burned 673 calories!!!"

I have to say that I feel like I am on top of the world now! Having Mish mention me has made me want to try harder!  Talk about great motivation & encouragement!

It's back!!

I am very happy to come here and report that it seems like my exercise mojo is back!  And I am so glad!!!

Last night Carrie and I did an Active class and it was great!! (although I have to admit I was feeling some hatred towards the class during the step portion of it! lol)  Afterwards I felt much better and I think its because I actually had 3 days straight of exercising.

Last night was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster where I wanted to get in on the whole emotional eating like there was no tomorrow, but other than that, I feel great!  My body just feels so much more alive and better.  It is hard to explain, while I am tired, it seems as though I am more awake.

Anyway, for the third day in a row, I managed to burn over 500 calories again!!  I haven't been able to do that since the start of the program!!  So last night I burned 514 calories!!! WOOT!

Also, I forgot to mention, that on Friday night I found my 12WBT finale dress!!!  I have actually done something strange and bought a larger dress!!  I am hoping that by buying a larger one, it won't hug my hips so much... while my sister, Carrie and B love it... I do have to admit that when I look at myself in the mirror, I can only see all of the negative aspects of the dress... I never feel pretty in a dress, I always feel like a frump - and I think it's because of my hips! lol!!

Hopefully I will get some self confidence in regards to the dress by the time the party comes around :D The details should be released today and I can't wait!!

Walk for a Cure for Diabetes

Today I did the 5.5km walk for diabetes.  I am so happy with how well Carrie and I did!  We managed to walk the full course at a steady, brisk pace and finish it in 55 minutes!!!  We thought it would take us an hour and a half to two hours to complete!!  By the time I got back to the car I had burned 673 calories!!!  I can't believe it!! that's two days in a row of burning 500 calories or more - a first while I have been doing this program.

I was surprised how fast I was able to walk and for how long before I started to feel it in my legs.  I got probably 3/4 of the way around before I started feeling it in my hamstrings.

I also managed to raise $220 for juvenile diabetes - definitely a good cause, and a great motivator to make sure I completed the walk. Below is a pic of the people walking around the lake, you can see that there are people all the way around.

Week 4 Milestone: Complete!

I realise it is a late blog post, but I just wanted to come in and let you all know that I completed my Week 4 Milestone today - a bushwalk at one of the National Parks here. I am only 2 weeks late, but I think it's still good that I have done it! My partner was going to do it with me, but with him being away this weekend, and the weather being good, and me finally feeling well enough to do it, I just wanted to get it done! So, I called in the help of my friend and fellow 12wbter, Carrie. Originally my goal was to do the Devils Gap 6km walk which was quite steep, but we changed our minds, and it was a good thing we did!!! We ended up doing the Cascade walk which was 2km, and the steep parts in that had us buggered!!

When we went to do the walk, we wanted to do the Cascade trail as well as the Lyrebird add on, however our careful map reading skills and excellent sense in direction meant that we missed the turn off! But we did actually go into the koala enclosure on our way home and had a wander around in there too. I love being out in nature,especially the forrest. I have always had a bit of an affinity to the forest as opposed to any other ecosystem. As soon as we were out in the bush, we could hear so many different birds, and as we walked along we could hear the lizards scurrying away from the path to hide. We did see a few lizards, a butterfly and even (what we think was) a numbat as well as a gorgeous koala. There were little waterfalls and creeks along the way and there were a few times that we were out of breath and struggling a little as we made our way long.  There were some really nice views, gorgeous flowers and amazing trees - including a tree stump that was continuing to grow!!  Refusing to give up I suppose!!  We even bought along lunch and bottles of water, and we stopped on one of the bridges near a waterfall/creek to eat and have a small break.

It was so refreshing to get out of a normal routine, to go somewhere different and to challenge ourselves with something new.  Carrie and I discussed where we both were in our 12wbt journey, how we are feeling now compared to when we started and what we want to achieve by the end.  It's only been 6 weeks, and we are now half way, but so much has changed.  For me personally, I have found that I don't have the same excitement as when I first started, although in saying that somehow something has managed to stick where I haven't given up, I am just trying to plod along and do what I can while at the same time I have lost all motivation.  I still want to complete the round and lose as much as I can, and I am planning on signing up for another round, but I do miss the excitement of starting something new and having all of my hopes encouraging me along.

By doing the 2 walks of about 2.7km, we exercised for an hour and a half and burned almost 500 calories!!!  I am very happy with that!  I did take photos on my way around - I hope you enjoy the slide show I put together for you!  I had better get to bed now, I have to be up early to do the walk for diabetes tomorrow!!  Will post an update about it next :D

Blogger Challenge: I'm All Kinds Of AWESOME!

The next blogging challenge is up, and this one is All Kinds Of AWESOME.

The point of this post, is to tell you exactly how awesome I am - and I think in most cases, for me to see that too!

In most cases, we 12wbters look only to be skinny, and sometime throw around words like healthy and fit.  As Kath said, it's not all about being skinny that makes you awesome.

So, what is it about me that makes me AWESOME?! What do I love about myself and appreciate?

• I can knit!  And I love it! I love making things and seeing how they come together.  I love that I can pick up a pattern and understand it.
• I can sew! well, kinda - I'm learning, but I can do it!
• I am a planner! lol  not sure why this makes me awesome, but I love it!  I love to plan and have things organised, or at least have a direction in which I am going.
• I am generally a pretty bubbly person and tend to make friends easily
• I try to help people out where I can and try to offer support

That's all I can think of now really... although according to the boyfriend "your extreme awesomeness makes u awesome" - Thanks B lol!