Whoops!

Whoopsy Daisy!!!

After I wrote this morning about my knee, I have managed to do more damage!! I went to work, and managed to last 15 minutes of my 5 hour shift!! That's right folks, I had the exact same thing happen again, only thing was, it was at work and it felt worse!!!  OMG the pain!!!

3 first aiders and an incident report later I was sent home with the prospect of a torn ligament behind my right knee and orders to go to the doctor tomorrow if it's still sore...

I can't walk properly at the moment and I am the only one home until tomorrow night with a chemistry tutorial on tomorrow (my uni is about 30km away and driving is painful) and we have stairs... leading up to the study and the bedrooms...

I have just hobbled upstairs after resting downstair for a couple of hours and intend on staying in the study for a while before trying to negotiate the stairs again.

It sounds silly, but I don't know what to do for dinner now... I could cook, but it's uncomfortable... the only other option is delivery, which basically means pizza - which I don't want to do...

First weigh in day

Well, today is my first weigh in since last Friday, when everything started to change.

Since my meltdown, I started up my list of 10 key points that I wanted to focus on.  It hasn't been a full week yet, but things are definitely looking up.  I am feeling much more in control of things (everything really, not just my weight and health, but also uni and life in general) and I feel like I have really hit a turning point in my mindset.  Overall, I am just feeling happier and not so down.

I have been sticking to my allotted calorie intake set by Calorie King - which is 1670 calories. I know this will seem excessive to the 12WBTers, but this is something that has worked well for me in the past, and as I mentioned in my earlier post, I am trying to take a lot of pressure off myself, while still doing something about my weight. 

I haven't done any exercise, although I have been thinking about it a lot.  What has held me back has been a few things.  The main thing has been that I have been really sick for the last week - I almost lost my voice! haha!  The other reasons have been uni inspired.  I have an exam on Friday, and I also have a report due on Monday.  I have to admit that I am still feeling quite calm about both of these, even though I am feeling behind in my work.

So, I guess now that I am feeling better about it all, I figured I may as well tell you all what weight I reached - my highest weight ever.  Last Friday, I weighed in at 99.9kg!  I realise that other people have weighed more than me, but for me this was a huge blow.  Admittedly it was only 900g over my initial weight all those years ago, but seeing it 100g off a triple digit figure is quite heartbreaking after losing so much weight.

Anyway... onto today's weigh in!!  This morning I jumped on the scales, and from last Friday, I have lost 1.8kg!! I am so happy with that!! I know that it's quite normal to have a couple of big losses initially, but I am actually aiming to lose about 500g a week.  I think that this will take me about a year to do, but I know that I can do it, because I have done it before.

I have been modifying the layout of my blog over the the last couple of days so that the pieces of information are easier to find.  I had decided to get rid of the little goal tickers along the side of my blog, but I have just created a graph one to track my weightloss.  I have set my goal to 74kg. This will get me to a healthy BMI.  I do think that I will probably try and get to 69kg, although I have to say that this will depend on how I am feeling about my weight. 

I have always maintained that I don't care what I weigh when I get to goal, I basically just want to be a size 12 again.  My reasoning for this is that  muscle weighs more than fat (example: At a similiar weight 4 years ago, I looked much fatter and I was in a much larger size.  My shape now is different to then because of how I have shaped my body and muscles due to exercise) and I think that measurements are a much more accurate way of measuring weightloss success.

Be Yourself

With everything that has been going on over the last week or so, I just felt that this picture really needed to be shared.  I know it's something I need to do - and hopefully it will help you guys too :)

It seems so obvious, yet I do need to remind myself not to worry about keeping up with everyone else :)

Edited to add: I just realised this is my 100th post! YAY!  Glad it was on something positive!!

Where My Head Is At...

As requested (by Janie D :D lol) I thought I would pop up and write a bit of an update.  I had considered doing one both yesterday and today, but Janie's comment has spurred me on :)

I didn't realise it was going to be so long, sorry guys!  I think I just need to get all of these thoughts out of my head!! haha!

I am doing much better of the last couple of days.  I think that getting it all out there on Friday has really helped me - as well as seeing the number on the scales.

Since Friday I have been tracking my calorie intake on Calorie King and I have been making much better food choices.  Now that my will power has made an appearance, I have noticed less chocolate/sweet cravings, although they are still there. I was thinking about this today when I really wanted a snack, but other than trying to follow the 12WBT for Round 3, I honestly don't think that I have been even thinking about eating healthily for over a year now, at least not seriously. I came to this conclusion, as I couldn't remember what I used to eat as a snack.

As much I don't want to write this (because I know that B is reading :P lol), the truth is, I find it so much harder to lose weight when I am part of a couple... When I lost weight before I was single, so I only had to think about myself, and now it's not really that different, I can still eat how I choose, but it does seem to be s different mindset.  There is no way I blame B, because it's not his fault in any way, it's more that I don't think I expected my mindset to change so much.

Other than a change in relationship status, the other really big change for me was my routine.  When I first started to lose weight I was in a different job.  I had actually not long started it, but for the 4 years that I was there, I got into a routine with my eating/exercise habits that are now so completely different. As an example, I used to get up, have a coffee, get ready and head to work.  Once I was there, I used to get my breakfast (I basically took over the cupboards in the kitchen!) which usually involved cooking it, made myself another coffee and sat down at my desk to start my day. From there, my snacks and lunch were basically on a schedule as I knew when I was hungry and I had a set lunch break.  After work, my gym bag was all packed and I headed straight to the gym.  At this point in time, it was just me, 2 cats and no other committments - I didn't even have a social life!! (seriously! My friends were all busy with their own lives!) Looking back, the only stressful component back then was how crappy work was.

B and I have been talking a lot lately about how I struggle to accept my limitations.  I think that I have always pushed myself to 'be the best' or at least be able to identify myself as someone who can do well at everything that I try.  I really struggle with not being good at something (even though it is something new!!) and will either push on with it or drop it completely. I think that is is probably why I tend to disapear or withdraw when I am not coping, as I don't want others to think that I am weak... and the honest truth is - I think I am weak for not being able to do everything I want to do.

I am very much a perfectionist (as Janie asked in another comment), and this is such an annoying trait to have!  I don't know how to not be one!  I don't know how to be able to cope with more than one thing at a time (uni, eating right, exercising, life, etc) and trying to stresses me out so much more.  I have to admit that even with uni I am struggling to do more than one subject at a time (I am currently doing 3) because I feel like I can't give the subject the attention it deserves and I really don't want to fail because I can't remember what I am supposed to lol.

So, I also have a HUGE confession to make.  It is currently the start of Week 6 of the 12WBT and I haven't followed any of it... and I don't think I will... Don't get me wrong, I think that the program is great, I love what Mish has done and I love seeing people's results, but I find that for myself, I put too much pressure on myself with the program.  There is also the fact that there is a lot of the food that B and I aren't fans of. I think that if it was just myself in my old lifestyle, I could handle it, but with so much of my life in chaos at the moment (at least it feels that way) I honestly don't believe that I could cope with it.

Following on from this, I have a new plan, which continues on from my basic plan from Friday's post, and that is that I just want to get myself back to basics and back onto my own program.  I basically want to take myself back to basics so that I can find some new kind of routine (I really struggle to eat properly when I am at home) and find a way that B and I can make this work together.  As I have said before, I am lucky that B is so supportive, and will help me as much as he can.  So, my plan of action at this stage is as follows:

1. Find all of my ol' trusty healthy recipes and add them to my iPad app (so awesome!!  It puts together a shopping list for my meal plan for the week)
2. Start putting together a meal plan... and try to stick to it!! I am lucky in that if I plan it, B will cook it lol!
3. Start eating breakfast again... this is something I am surprised that I have stopped doing... in truth I think that I really miss having my scrambled eggs on an english muffin!  I tend to run late in the mornings and now that I don't cook at work, it was pretty much the first thing to go.
4. Start drinking more water.  I don't drink anywhere near as much as I should or what I used to.  My drink bottle used to sit on my desk at work... now I don't even really have a drink bottle... and I drink more coffee lol
5. Keep tracking my calories on Calorie King - I tend to slack off on this if I can't put the calories in correctly (such as eating out) because it won't be 'right' (there is that perfectionism again...)
6. At this point in time, exercise is not a priority, but I am hoping to find a way to build it back in... even if I only exercise a couple of times a week.  This might be at home or at the gym before work or uni when I start late.
7. Accept that I need to have time for myself.  Basically, this is giving me permission to knit.  It sounds strange, but I really need to knit as I find that without it I tend to get depressed and even more stressed out - seriously, just ask B - he has seen it first hand! haha!
8. Keep it simple.  Don't try to do more than I actually can, don't worry about what I 'should' be doing, and just eat right and the rest will come when it can... this sounds so simple, yet it's the hardest thing for me to follow...
9. When exercising, aim towards completing the C25K program.  I have actually registered to do the Mothers Day Classic Fun Run in April, so it would be nice to be able to honor this committment.
10. Find ways to de-stress, remember to ask for help and keep putting myself out there on this blog!  I keep forgetting how much writing it all down really helps!!

While I guess I don't really consider myself to be technically part of the 12WBT this round, I do hope that people do stick around and read my blog.  I just really need to do things my way for now and then when I am ready, I am hoping to use Mish's exercise plans to help me along.

So, from now on, I guess my blog will be reflecting this. As I said, I really hope you guys stick around, as the support that you have given me over the last few months has been amazing!!  I am sure that I wouldn't have been able to get my headspace to where it is now without you all checking in and reading.

The Blogger Challenge will, of course, continue.  The posts are all sitting there, ready to go and I will still be participating in it too as well as reading the 12WBT blogs and forum posts!!  I just love reading about how everyone is going and I love reading about all of the highs that come with it, and I hope that I can help you guys as much as you have all helped me!

So, I think that is my update on what I have been thinking about over the last couple of days.  And I will try to update more regularly, including weigh in posts, which I know that I have completely avoided this round!!

Oh and and how is this for a REWARD??  B and I were talking the other day about setting a reward, when I reach goal weight, we are going to go travelling - or at least start planning it a little more.  I think at this point in time it will be a cruise... so, I really need to get stuck into my action plan and get this happening!! lol!

MWAH! Love to you all! :D

Blogger Challenge Email Confusion

There seems to be a bit of confusion regarding the email system I set up initially.

This system was set up to send out ONE email for when the blogger challenge was set to start. This will be the only one as I don't want to bombard people with a weekly email letting them know that the challenge is out (it just seems too spam-like to me lol)

I have since set up an email notification system on my blog, however this will let you know about ALL the posts that I write, not simply the blogger challenge ones.

If you aren't interested in this option, then please keep in mind that the challenge question is released each Friday at 9am.

I hope this clears up some of the confusion :)

Blogger Challenge Answer: Week 5 - Health

So, what does being healthy mean to YOU? What is it that has made you start this journey into being a healthier you?

Well, at the moment, I have actually come down with a horrible head cold, so health is actually something I am thinking about a lot at the moment.

For me, I can feel the difference in my body from when I am eating healthier and exercising compared to when I am not.  I know that all of the nourishing food that I am feeding myself is helping to build up an excellent immune system and it is all working towards helping me keep nasty bugs away.

The only way I can really explain this feeling, is that I just feel so much more "vibrant", I actually feel as though I am glowing. I don't think I really am, I think it also comes from a place where I am feeling great about myself; I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and all of the extra energy really makes me feel so alive!

Because I can always feel the difference between feeling vibrant and alive, compared to feeling down and have no energy, I think that my journey back into the world of weightloss has stemmed from that. I loved being able to finish a class at the gym and just feeling so pumped about myself and that I knew that while I felt like crap during the class, I would just feel so energised later.

I miss that feeling.

So, here is to becoming a healthier version of me, with all of the perks and benefits of eating right and exercising!!

The 7 Words I Never Thought I Would Say...

I am at my heaviest weight... ever!!

That's right... my weight has gone up... and up... and up... I weighed myself this morning and discovered that the last few weeks of comfort eating, not facing my fears and hiding from the world has done exactly what I was afraid of... I am back at the beginning... in fact, I have gone even further back!

I have to admit that I have been avoiding my blog.  I didn't want to be held accountable, and the very real truth is, I don't even want to tell you all this.  I am embarrassed.  I am disapointed in myself. And most of all... I am ashamed.

My pants and clothes were getting tighter and tighter, and I just kept putting off what I know that I need to do, and that is to rein in my eating habits.  I have gotten lazy.  I don't cook anymore, and anytime I have been stressed I have reached for the chocolate (and worse!).  Last night I realised it had gotten bad when even B noticed how much chocolate I had been eating... it's strange, I knew that it wasn't right, or healthy, but it took someone else to notice for me to have a bit of a wake up call and to have a reality check.  It's not that B is unobservant, it's just that he doesn't always voice the observations.

So after thinking about it all night, I did what I have been avoiding for weeks... this morning I jumped onto the scales... and I couldn't believe the number that came up... How could I have gone so far backwards.  It took me over 4 years to lose 23kg and then I go and put it all back on in a year plus some more!!  I always read about people who did that, and I always told myself I wasn't going to be one of them... Turns out I am...

I think the thing that gets to me the most is that I have had people tell me that I inspired them because I had lost weight.  I have put it all out there, my friends and family know that I had been losing weight, and now I feel like a big disapointment not only to them, but to myself.  I have friends who read this blog, and I wish that they weren't reading this post, as I just want to hide from the shame and avoid the awkward conversations that I know will come up.

The truth is, I know what I need to do to fix this, I am just struggling with confidence in myself to actually do it. I have to say, that right now, I don't think that I can. I know I have to, I just hate that I have to go through it all again and I can't help thinking "why bother? I'm probably going to put the weight back on again..."

I am too embarrassed to post up my current weight (something I haven't experienced before), but I am here, trying to climb back onto the wagon and trying to put my shattered self confidence back together again. Right now, my focus is simply to get my eating back on track and hopefully from there start incorporating exercise and getting my life back.

Blogger Challenge Week 5: Health

A lot of people looking to lose weight, initially consider their appearance first and foremost.  One thing that generally comes once some weight has been lost and fitness has been built up, is the affect it has had on their weight.

Other people need to lose weight for their health, and the appearance aspect is secondary.  There are fears from health conditions which can include the possibility of death.

And yet again, others are already considered healthy but want to continue on their journey of having a healthy life.

It doesnt matter which category you fit into, each of you will have your own idea of what being healthy means to you.  Is it, being able to run? Lowering your blood pressure? Being able to run after your kids? Is it eating healthy?  Is it feeling energetic?  These are only some of the ideas.

So, what does being healthy mean to YOU?  What is it that has made you start this journey into being a healthier you?

If you are a little confused about what to do, please read through the blogger challenge instructions (opens in a new window).

To link your answer to this blog post, just click the add your blog button below. From here you paste the link for your actual post (not your blog). This weeks Blogger Challenge will close at 11:59pm on Wednesday 21st March 2012.

Blogger challenge glitch

Hi all, I have just had a look at the post for this morning, and there seems to have been a glitch in the post going out (and I may have lost my post! Gah!!!) I will need to fix this up tonight once I get home. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Blogger Challenge Week 3: Rewards

You have made it to Week 3!!  Congratulations!  Are you starting to get the hang of the program now?

This I wanted to touch on rewarding yourself for your efforts during the program.  I find that I (and many others) get bogged down in focussing too much on what hasn't gone right and getting upset that they are 'failing'.

One of the key things to remember is that each time you try you are taking one big step forward, afterall, where would you be if you actually stopped?? Nowhere, right?

You can have small wins and bigger accomplishments, these are personal to you, your lifestyle and your mindset - everyone will be different, although you might find some interesting ideas that resonate with you on your fellow 12WBTer blogs.

Rewards don't have to have a monetary value.  Is there something you have always wanted to do? Something that you seem to put off for a later date? The thing to remember, is not to use food as a reward - this is how you got into trouble in the first place (well, in most cases anyway lol  - I am one of them!!).

Some ideas (both with and without a cost and for big and/or small achievements) are:

• Take a bath - candles and bubble bath galore
• Get a pedicure/manicure - give one to yourself, or pay to get one done
• Get a massage
• Buy a new book
• Go for a bushwalk - check out our national parks
• Go and see a movie (just bring your own healthy snacks)
• Catch up with friends you haven't seen for a while - in person or over the phone
• Climb the harbour bridge (or another national monument haha!) - some 12WBTer's did this before the 12WBT finale/workout
• Go for a swim
• Buy some new shoes

These are only some ideas - find some that work for you.


So, my question to you is: How will you acknowledge and reward yourself during Round 1, 2012 of the 12WBT? What are the small wins?  What are your big accomplishments? How will you achieve these and how will you reward your efforts? (food doesn't count!)

I can't wait to see what you guys come up with!  Happy blogging!

If you are a little confused about what to do, please read through the blogger challenge instructions (opens in a new window).

To link your answer to this blog post, just click the add your blog button below. From here you paste the link for your actual post (not your blog). This weeks Blogger Challenge will close at 11:59pm on Wednesday 7th March 2012.