Feeling down...

*warning - negative post*

I feel so incredibly sad and just unmotivated over the last few days.  I feel so completely out of control, not as in crazy out of control, but more as in I have no control.  Anyone who knows me, would tell you that I love to feel like I have control.

I started this blog so that I could get everything out there, and for those people who are looking at doing the 12WBT to be able to see what it is like, because as a planner, I know that I read up on the program before I started it. So, here comes the heartfelt pity post.

Right now, in my life, I feel like there is nothing that I control.  I feel like a lot of decisions are made for me and I feel as though I am fading away.  There are things that I don't want to have control of, but I feel as though if I don't do it, then no one else will.   My life seems to be upside down at the moment and I am floating around in the abyss somewhere.

To be honest with you, tomorrow I will probably look back on this post and wonder where all this was coming from, but right now, I need to rant... well, more like I need to cry and not be the strong person.

We have our week 4 milestone coming up, and the truth is, I don't feel like I deserve to do it. I haven't lost that much weight, I haven't been to the gym as much as I should have (even though I tell myself that I was quite sick for a week) and even when I do workout, I seem to not have the motivation to hit the 500 calorie mark.  I feel like a failure.  I haven't been eating Michelle's food plan as she has laid out, as I don't want to vary the breakfasts and I have been having the left overs for the dinners for lunch.  All in all though, I have tried to stick with the 1200 calories per day.

This week I set myself the goal of working out for the 6 days, and while so far I have worked out, I haven't hit the 500 calorie mark.  In fact, I think in the last 3 weeks I have only burned over 500 calories twice. Yesterday was quite a stressful day and I worked back late, so I missed pump, and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and knit.  I did make myself jump on the (new!) treadmill and I had the intention of trying for half an hour on it, doing the learn to run program, however I only managed 5 minutes! (I think that because the incline is much higher than I am used to, it wore me out so much quicker).  So, I headed downstairs and did a 25 minute yoga dvd.  I only burned 225 calories in total - not even half of what we are supposed to be doing.

I just feel so worthless and feel like that I just can't seem to make a real go of it all.  I am so exhausted!!!! I am tired of working out everyday!  And while I know I shouldn't (and even get told off by B) I have been having "sneaky weigh ins" - where I haven't been seeing anything change.  I know that Mish says to take the emotion out of it, but seeing how I am feeling at the moment, I honestly can't.  I want to know that I am struggling like this and can at least get some results... right now I'm not seeing anything and I just don't see the point.

In saying that, I know (hoping!!) this is just a momentary feeling, and I am really hoping that the first full week of workouts is supposed to make me feel like shit. I will still be following the program and still avoiding sabotaging myself and just plodding along with it all in general, but I just wish that one of my problems would be resolved and give me one less thing to be thinking about.  With so many things to be organised or to do, and nothing seeming to be resolved, as Bilbo Baggins puts it "I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread." Obviously I have only touched on the 12WBT issues here, as the others I feel are probably a little too personal to put onto such a public forum.

Here is hoping to have a more positive Leeana by the next post, and hopefully even a task or 2 resolved.